Not This Time
by KinnetiKQueen
Summary: Five years have passed since Justin left for NYC and he and Brian are doing a very good impersonation of a divorced couple, but times are changing and it's time for them to come together. can they get over the past for the sake of Gus? R&R please. thanks.
1. Chapter 1

Title: Not this time.

Characters: B/J. (all)

Spoilers: all seasons

Rating: Well, it is Qaf... so go figure.

Disclaimer: Not mine, not mine at all. If it were QAF season 5 would have had 12 episodes.

a/n: This story is set 5 years after Justin leaves Pittsburgh to pursue his art career in New York. My first QAF fic.

* * *

Justin stood outside of the New York academy of art and took a moment to collect himself together before advancing up the steps towards the entrance. He had dropped out of Art college, more than once, and now he was a guest speaker. It made little sense and as he walked through the hallways toward the lecture theatre he wished that he had said no, but it was too late to run now. The shrine to past artists hung on the walls like reminders of what could have been and Justin let out an agitated sigh at the pretentiousness. If these works of art, all seemingly self-important and jaded was what he was meant to lecture about then he really was wasting his time.

"Mr. Taylor!"

A voice came from the crowd behind him, then a man nudged his way through the wall of chatting students. And as Professor Jacobs came strutting into view tall, dark, handsome, queer and just his type Justin suddenly remembered why he had agreed.

"I'm glad you could make it." The handsome lecturer shook his hand. "I'm a big fan."

"Really?" Justin smiled and looked down at the zipper of the professor's pants; old habits died hard.

"Oh, yes. I've been following you ever since your exhibit at museum 52."

"If all my stalkers looked like you then I really wouldn't mind."

"Maybe we could get a coffee later?" he suggested. "or go back to your studio, you can show me where you work your magic."

"I can work my magic any-time and anywhere."

"Then in that case, Is there anything I can help you with prior to your lecture?"

Justin smiled, slowly ran his hand over the man's shirt until he reached his belt buckle, then pulled him into the empty lecture theatre and shut the door behind them.

* * *

"Theadore?" Brian pressed the button on the intercom. "Get your ass in here."

"You called?" Ted walked in and shut the door behind him then just about managed to dodge the file that Brian flung towards his head. "something wrong?"

"Why the fuck did I hire you?"

"Because accountancy is my true calling?"

"You fucked up the turnover numbers." he threw another file at him. "Do them again and do them right this time."

"Thy are right." Ted picked the papers up from the floor and flicked through them, casting a fine eye over the columns. "These all look fine to me."

"Well, look closer."

Brian pulled on his jacket and pulled up the collar. "I have to call the least merry of the merry munchers and see Emmett to discuss the last minute plans for Gus' birthday bash."

"So, Gus is having his birthday bash with you this year?"

"It's my turn," Brian said, "and its costing me a fucking fortune, which is why I'm going to Woody's for some alcoholic refreshment to numb the pain and a good solid fuck. When I come in tomorrow I want either that report corrected, or your ass on a plate. Comprende?"

"Comprende."

* * *

Justin spent a good hour and a half going through slides of his work, ranging from the early days before the bashing right through to the ones he had only just competed, answered questions on homoerotic genre and experienced more than a little snobbery from students. But now he was packing up and he couldn't wait to get out of that theatre. A few students came to him and shook his hand, asked for advice and left; now it was just a matter of getting through town back to the studio during rush hour. Just as he was about to leave he felt a hand grasp his shoulder and a familiar voice in his ear."

"Great lecture, sunshine."

"Linds?" Justin turned around and hugged her tight. "You look great."

"Not so bad yourself." she punched his shoulder. "Look at you, Mr. big-time guest speaker."

"I'm just glad its over." Justin hitched his bag over his shoulder and tucked a box of slides under his arm. "I am never going to do it again, no matter how hot professor Jacobs is."

"You want help with these?"

"Sure. Let's walk and talk. What are you doing here anyway, I didn't peg you as someone who needed a lecture in art."

"Oh I don't know," Lindsay smiled and took the box of slides from Justin's hands. "How often do you get to attend a talk by one of the most influential young artists of our time."

"Don't believe everything you read. It's mostly ostentatious bullshit designed by people that like licking my ass. Literally."

Lindsay smiled. "Well, you haven't changed."

"Some say I've gotten worse."

"You seem just fine to me."

They walked through the hallway side-by-side, weaving their way through the thinning crowds.

"So, how is everyone?"

"Great, Gus is really showing interest in art," she said, "and J.R is just loving her new school."

"Mel opened her own specialised practice and Michael and Ben are great." They reached Justin's car and he popped the trunk. "But somehow I'm sure it's not them you mean is it? Or Debbie, or Carl, or Hunter, or Emmet, or Ted for that matter."

"So how is he?" Justin asked coyly; he hadn't seen Brian for almost four and a half years. "He okay?"

"He's good. Fucking like there's no tomorrow."

"No change there then?"

"You're one to talk. Word gets around the art world and word has it that you're the most promiscuous artist in New York – and that's quite a crown."

"I learnt from the best. I never promise anything, I never expect anything, I never lose anything." Justin gave her a smile. "If he taught me one thing he taught me that."

"I don't think that was meant to be the lesson, Justin."

"Then what was it?" Justin asked casually. "Better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all?"

"Something like that."

"Y'know, you still haven't answered by original question."

"Which one?"

"I asked what you were doing here."

"I was hoping I could butter you up with a little dinner first."

"That just depends," Justin asked, "does it have anything to do with Brian."

"Nothing at all."

"Then come to my studio and I'll get changed."

* * *

Brian pulled the twinkie through the door to the loft and slammed it heavily shut. It was early, barely past seven and it was still light, but his search in Woodies had been even easier than he had expected. He was far too young for Brian and they both knew it, but as he yanked down twinkie's jeans and pushed him over the back of the couch age really didn't matter. This was no more about age than it was about love; this was about fucking. Brian pressed his hand between the guys shoulder blades and forced him further over the couch, then with one swift rip of a packet and an experted slip of the condom into his dick he started to do what they had both come here for.

"Nice place." Twinky looked around, his vision jerking from the hard fucking. "Are those original Italian fixtures?"

"Y'know if I wanted to talk I'd have stayed at Woodies." He pulled the nameless twink back towards him as they fucked. "I wanted a fuck, not a cosy chat."

"Maybe next time we could-"

"No next times, once I come you'll be going."

"You never fuck more than once?"

"Only on very special occasions."

"Wha-"

Brian pulled him closer, putting his hand over his mouth. "Why do I always pick the ones the want to be sociable, can't you just be a fucking pervert like the rest of us?"

* * *

"I thought we came out to have dinner, not for you could ogle the help."

Justin smiled, catching the eye of a waiter as he passed carrying the bread rolls. "I was just admiring his buns."

"Well you can admire his buns later, but first we have business to discuss."

"Business?"

"Yeah, the gallery sent me here to scout you."

"Scout me?"

"They want you to agree to an exhibit," Lindsay explained. "Two months, fifty pieces. It would be really good for your career."

Justin almost spat out his water, just swallowing it in time for the surprise to hit. "wow."

"We would also like to commission you to do a few pieces exclusively for the exhibit. Of course we would put you up for the duration and pay you very handsomely for the pleasure of having you in Toronto. We were thinking about June, but any time is good for us if you would agree to do it."

Justin smiled. "And that's your sales pitch?"

"Yeah." The blonde leaned over the table. "Is it not good?"

"Linds, I would do anything for you, hell I'd even do it for free but since the offer is on the table I say we drink to it and order some ridiculously expensive champagne on your gallery to celebrate ."

"Just one more thing." Lindsay put her hand over Justin's. "Gus will be ten next Saturday."

"I know, I've been working on a present for him from a picture I took last summer. I think he'll really like it."

"You know what he would like more?" Lindsay didn't wait for Justin to answer. "To see you, to draw with you, to play with you."

"And we will. You can tell him I'll see him loads when the exhibit starts." Justin beamed. "God, this will be my first exhibit outside of New York."

"How about you come to his birthday party?" Lindsay suggested. "He'd love to see you."

"Will Brian be there?"

"Of course."

"Then I'll pass."

"Y'know for two people who never got married you sure do a great job of pretending to be divorced." She sighed. "Anyone would think you hated him."

"I don't hate him." Justin lowered his eyes to the water-glass and ran his ringers around the rim. "I love him."

"Then come." Lindsay tightened her grip on his wrist. "You two parted on good terms, what reason would you possibly have not to see each other?"

"I just gave you one."

Justin pulled his hand away from Lindsay and picked up a menu.

"That should be all the more reason."

"The steak looks good."

* * *

TBC...

r&r - always appreciated


	2. Chapter 2

Title: Not this time.

Characters: B/J. (all)

Spoilers: all seasons

Rating: Well, it is Qaf... so go figure.

Disclaimer: Not mine, not mine at all. If it were QAF season 5 would have had 12 episodes.

a/n: This story is set 5 years after Justin leaves Pittsburgh to pursue his art career in New York. My first QAF fic.

"If you could just sign these and then we're all ready to roll." Lindsay retrieved a document from her briefcase and handed it to Justin, then took another sip of her wine and relaxed back in her chair. "The date is fixed, but you have fourteen days to enter into discussions if you want to make any amendments to any of the clauses."

"Look, Linds." Justin clicked his tongue and squinted one eye, trying not to offend his friend. "I know we're friends and everything, but I'm really going to need to go through these with my attorney first. I've been caught out before and-."

"I understand."

"It's nothing to do with you. I lost earnings from an entire collection last year because of a bad agreement."

Lindsay took back her pen and slipped the document back into the brown envelope she had taken it from. Touching the side of his guilt-ridden face, she gave him a reassuring smile. "It's okay. It's business, you have to watch yourself."

"But you're my friend and it looks like I don't trust you."

"I wouldn't be much of a friend if I asked you to sign something that you hadn't looked over properly. No, take a good few days, go see your brief and send it back to me when you're ready."

"Thanks."

Justin sighed and stood up, fetching another bottle of wine. When he sat back down again he paused a little halfway through opening it and beamed. "I can't believe I'm going to do this. It's huge!"

"I know. I'm so proud of you." Lindsay pulled the younger man towards her and kissed the side of his face, then cupped his cheeks like she would with Gus. "When we met you were just this kid, the poor innocent prey of Brian Kinney. Now look at how far you've come."

"I can't believe it myself." Justin lowered his eyes, then moved away a little. "This is all my merit though, isn't it? It's nothing to do with our friendship?"

"Justin. You know I would love to walk into work and say, 'hey this kid is good, lets do an exhibit', but things don't work that way. The NGC wouldn't just take my word for it and fly me out to scout you if they didn't think you were a solid find. No, this is your merit and yours alone."

"Thank God."

"You have a lot of work to do though, although some of these would be great and it would mean you wouldn't need to do so many new pieces."

"Whatever you think. Take a look."

Lindsay looked around the room, full of half-completed works and some covered over by rags. It was a real artists studio, with floor-to-ceiling windows and paint on the floor. Some of the pictures were contemporary, a few older in taste and many of people she recognised. Her eye caught a glimpse of a red and black painting only half-covered by a sheet and took a peak underneath. A black shape spiralled through the centre covered in layers of white and red.

"I love this one, it would be perfect for the exhibit." She uncovered it. "Bold, touching, heart-wrenching. It's beautiful."

Justin covered it over. "And not for sale."

Brian ran his fingers along the shelf in the toy store and picked up a robot before putting it back down again.

"How did this happen?"

Michael inspected the new Superman figure with a critical eye. "How did what happen?

"You and me shopping," he said, "for fucking robots."

Michael smiled. "What's wrong with robots? I love robots."

"Well if you like them so much buy one for yourself. I'm going back to my original plan."

"I told you, you can't buy a ten year-old Armani."

"Of course I can, they have a fabulous kids collection. Plus, Gus needs a strong masculine influence in his life to teach him that there is more to life than flannel shirts, Doc Martins and power tools." Brian smiled, as he picked up a ken doll. "Is he too young for twinky ken?"

"Far too young."

Brian threw the box back onto the shelf. "Come on Mikey."

"I was going to get J.R a present."

"What the fuck for?"

"You know how my hunnybun gets when Gus gets something and she doesn't."

"It's his birthday," Brian explained, "and sooner or later your little princess is going to have to learn that you don't get something for nothing."

"I should get her something little, I always get her something when she comes home to visit."

"Fine, you can get her some shoes from Armani."

"She's six!"

"Never too young for a lesson in designer clothing. Now lets go, It's far to hetro in here" Grabbing Michaels hand, Brian dragged him away from the robots, past the toy cars and out onto the street.

"Where are we going?"

"Armani, Back to mine so I can change and then to Babylon."

"I can't tonight," Michael said, "I promised Ben a night in."

"Well as long as you're happy with Zen Ben and his nightly meditation and medication who am I to offer you sex, drugs and rock and roll."

"We have sex."

"Yeah." Brian laughed, stopping Michael in the street. "Weekly."

"There's more to life than sex."

"Bullshit. If it weren't for sex none of us would exist and Kinnetik would be down in the gutter rather than up in the sky with the big boys."

"Me and Ben are in a loving committed relationship, something you wouldn't know anything about, so you go to Babylon and fuck your life away. I'll be watching E with a bottle of Merlot." Michael kissed Brian quickly and walked past him. "Bye."

"There's only one problem!" Brian shouted. "It's the wrong kind of E!"

Justin took Lindsay's bag and put it over his shoulder as they walked towards the security gate at the airport.

"I told you just to drop me off," Lindsay said, "you didn't have to bring me to the gate."

"And I told you I wanted to. It's the least I can do after all you've done for me."

"If you want to do me a favour you could come to Pittsburgh next weekend."

Justin dropped her bag within viewing distance of security, where others were hugging and saying goodbye and looked down at the ground with a sigh. She was going to start again, if she had ever actually stopped. This wasn't about Gus, Justin wanted to see Gus, this was about Brian.

"I can't go."

"Because you're busy and cant clear your schedule to celebrate the birthday of someone who is practically your son, or because it might be a little uncomfortable for you." Lindsay glared at Justin for the first time this trip.

"He hates me."

"Bullshit."

"I cut him out my life," Justin explained, "I can't just deal him back in."

"Why not?"

"I don't want to talk about this. We're both getting on with our lives, so why don't you and everyone else just realise what we did years ago. It's over." He sighed. "And maybe if you guys stopped mentioning his name to me every five fucking minutes I could actually attempt to get on with my life like he's getting on with his."

Lindsay admitted defeat. "Okay. I'm sorry."

"There's more to life than Brian Kinney you know." Justin smiled. "And I'd quite like to find it before I'm an over-the-hill queen with crows feet and twenty cats."

"Sorry."

"Brian is getting on with his life, fucking everything that moves and that's who he is. Now that I've found who I am I would quite like to get on with my life too."

Lindsay sighed and hugged him tightly. "You're right."

"We're not like you Linds, we're not dykes and we're not-"

"Straight people," she finished, "yes, I know."

"I would appreciate it if you stopped this with him too. I'm sure the last thing he wants is my name mentioned every fucking time he sees you."

The flight announcement muffled its way out of the tannoy and Lindsay picked up her bag from where Justin had dropped it a few minutes before, then kissed his cheek.

"That would be fine," she said, "if he wasn't always the one who mentioned you first."

"Shut up! I'm coming!" Brian staggered his way towards the door, awoken from his peaceful slumber by the heavy thumps on the metal door. They only stopped when he slid the door back.

"Don't you look beautiful today."

He closed one eye and squinted at the woman at the door, then stepped aside to let her in. "Jennifer." he sighed. "What do I owe this pleasure?"

"Did I wake you?"

"What kind of a question is that?" Brian picked up a bottle from the kitchen and took a long drink then wiped his mouth with the back of his hand. "Why the early morning wake-up?"

"It's the afternoon."

"Oh." He checked his watch. "Fuck."

Jennifer shrugged her coat off and walked into the kitchen. "I'll fix you some coffee."

"Gee, thanks Mom, what would I do without your constant nagging and interception." Brian slumped down on one of the barstools and lit a cigarette. "Go to New York and bug your real son."

"Big night at Babylon, was it?"

"What makes you think that?"

Jennifer picked a large piece of glitter paper from his hair. "Tell-tale signs."

"Was there a reason for this intrusion into my once-peaceful life, or do you just like to be the pain in my ass that won't go away?"

"You know me. I just like to check that you're still alive."

"And this isn't enough proof for you?" Brian grabbed for the bottle again and took a drink. "What do you want, a blood sample?"

"If I wanted a blood sample I could just test a bottle of Jack."

Brian gave her a sarcastic smile. "Will you just Fuck off?"

"It's a good job I don't come here for the warm welcome."

"If you had a dick you would get one."

"I brought a present for Gus," she said, taking a package out of her bag and putting it down beside him "I thought I could leave it with you."

"Sure, leave it with Daddy." He shook it. "Is it a robot?"

"No, it's a surprise. What did you get him?"

Brian picked up a bag from the floor and pushed it across the counter. "Style. He needs it."

"Cute." She looked inside. "You're crEating your own little mini-me. He's growing up"

Brian sighed. "Do I look old to you?"

"No older than you always have."

"He's ten," Brian said, "My sonny-boy is ten and that means that I am ten years older than I was when he came into this world. And that is truly depressing."

"Mid-life crisis?"

"Better not be, I don't plan on living a day past fifty."

Jennifer laughed and put a cup of coffee down in front of him. "If you keep partying like this that really won't be a problem."

"I'm getting it all in while I still can. I'm on daddy duty next week. I'm taking Gus up to the house for six days." He took a drink.

"I bet he's getting big now."

"Yeah. He's far too mature to be my son, too. He talks like a fucking adult."

"Tell him I was asking after him."

Brian stood up and walked around to the other side, then handed her back the gift. "You should give this to him yourself. Come to his party on Saturday."

"I might do that."

"The more the merrier."

"I should go," she said, "I have a viewing down-town."

Brian walked her to the door and opened it.

"Bye Brian."

"Same time next week?" he asked.

"Of course."

Jennifer kissed his cheek and felt Brian sigh heavily as he closed his eyes tight. He did this every time; she knew what the next words were going to be so she saved him the pain of having to say them.

"Justin is fine. Busy. Bye Brian."

After Jennifer had left and Brian had shut the door, he made his way across the loft to the bathroom and turned on the shower. He stepped out of his underwear and pulled his black vest over his head, then slid under the hot spray, leaning on the cold tiled wall. After a moment of letting the water warm him Brian slipped a finger through the middle of the two rings that hung on a chain around his neck, brought them to his lips and kissed them.


	3. Chapter 3

Title: Not this time.

Characters: B/J. (all)

Spoilers: all seasons

Rating: Well, it is Qaf... so go figure.

Disclaimer: Not mine, not mine at all. If it were QAF season 5 would have had 12 episodes.

a/n: This story is set 5 years after Justin leaves Pittsburgh to pursue his art career in New York. My first QAF fic.

Emmett looked at the tubs of food dotted around the table and shifted his view to Debbie. The kitchen table was full of Tupperware containing Debbie's famous sauce and more pasta than he had ever seen in his life.

"Honey, what happened to letting auntie Em plan the party?"

"I did!" Debbie said, pressing the right lids onto the containers of various sizes. " But you can have a party without marinara sauce."

"You do when you've paid a caterer to do the food."

"Gus loves my cooking!"

"Deb, we all love your cooking," Emmett explained, "I'm just a little unsure of how many you think are on the guest list. We're never going to eat all that."

"Of course you will, I don't care if I have to tie you down and force feed it to you."Debbie pulled Emmett towards her and gave him a slapping kiss on the cheek. "You need to fatten up"

"I'm going to be spending a lot of time on the stair master next week." He picked up a few of the containers. "But right now I have to get these in the car, I might need a few trips. Help me with the door?"

Debbie opened the door wide and stopped dead in her tracks, then allowed a huge grin to spread across her face.

"Sunshine!" She wrapped her arms around him, giving him a squeeze, then pulled back. "Geez! What are you living on in New York? Booze and Poppers?"

"And cock." Emmett put down the containers and gave Justin a kiss on the side of his head. "Welcome home baby."

"I'm not here for long, kinda a whistle-stop tour." He stepped inside and hauled his bag behind him. "I thought Gus might be here."

"No. He's with Brian, getting ready for his party," Emmett explained.

"Shit. I was going to give him his present."

"You should come," Debbie said, "we were just on our way."

"But Brian-"

"Leave Brian to me."

"I can't believe you bought him Armani." Lindsay ran her fingers over the fabric of the shirt Brian was wrapping and took a look at the price tag. "I could have bought a whole outfit for that."

"He needs to know what it means to wear special clothes for special occasions."

"I thought you only celebrated achievements."

"He lives in Canada, he's lucky he hasn't frozen to death."

"Which would be why you bought him these?" Lindsay held up a pair of black winter boots. "Cute."

"They were on sale."

"You do know he's going to grow out of these clothes really fast, right?"

Brian shrugged. "So?"

"So, it's a waste of money."

"And it's only money." Brian took them back and wrapped them up. "Anyway, he'll get plenty of wear out of them when I come to Toronto to visit."

"Visit?"

"Yeah. I Thought I would take a working vacation."

"He'll love that. You can stay with us and sleep in the basement."

"The Basement?" Brian raised his eyebrows. "Do I look like the fucking borrowers to you?"

"We've had it all done out. It's great. When were you thinking of?"

"June," he said, "I'm taking a month away from the office to scout for a new location for my new branch of Kinnetik. I was thinking of Toronto, that way I can crack the Canadian market and see Gus more."

"June, huh?"

Mel walked in, throwing her keys onto the table and gave Lindsay a quick kiss. "Hey. Well, that's the room all decorated. Gus and J.R are chasing Michael and Ben around the stables. It's so cute."

"Honey," Lindsay smiled awkwardly, "Brian is coming to stay in June, isn't that fantastic."

"June?"

"June." Lindsay confirmed. "All of June."

"Oh." Mel shook her head. "Isn't June when Justin is staying for- ?"

"Yes it is."

"Great." Mel smiled. "And a huge coincidence." she lowered her lips to Lindsay's ear. "If it is a coincidence."

"Of course it is!"

Brian coughed deliberately and the two women turned to look at him; his face asking a hundred questions. "Well?" he prompted, "is June a problem for you?"

"No." Mel shook her head. "No, it's just that we've got a pretty full house that month."

"Justin is staying with us," Lindsay explained, "for two months. The NGC is staging an exhibit of his work."

"That's a big break for him." Brian stood up, putting the wrapped presents into a gift bag. "Maybe I'll check it out."

"Maybe it would be best if you didn't stay."

"Why not?" he asked. "I have no problems with him, Justin has all the problems."

"Yeah right," Mel scoffed, "because you're clearly fine."

Brian took out a cigarette and lit it. "Why should I have any problems with the guy who wouldn't return my calls, or my emails or answer the door when I flew out to check he was still fucking alive. Hell, if he's there maybe I can ask what the fuck he was thinking."

"I thought you broke up on good terms?"

"We did, he just acted like an ass-hole afterwards."

"Brian-"

"Don't worry, I'll find somewhere else to stay." Brian made for the door. "I need a drink."

"Y'know Deb, this may not have been the best idea you've ever had." Emmett said, walking through the hallway towards the kitchen.

"What do you mean?"

"Maybe we should have told Brian first. He's going to hit the roof if he finds out that we knew and didn't tell him."

"You're probably right." Debbie put the Tupperware down on the kitchen table. "We'll go find him."

"Justin!" Gus shouted from the room next door. "You came!"

"Shit."

Gus ran towards Justin and hugged him tightly around the waist as he walked into the house. It was everything he remembered it to be and the warmth of the memories made hit him as soon as he closed the door. It was the home of his dreams that he turned his back on for something bigger.

"Mom said you were too busy."

"Never." Justin smiled, turning his attention back to the boy he hadn't seen in so many months and stroked his dark hair. "I can't stop long, I just came to drop off your present and say happy birthday."

"Oh." Gus stepped away, disappointed. "Thanks."

"But I'm in town for a few days. We could hang out tomorrow if you want."

"Dad has stuff planned-" Gus stopped mid-sentence, "other dad. There's a horse in the stable now and he said I can ride it if I want."

" That's great. I'm coming to Toronto in June and we can spend loads of time together then. I promise."

"Cool!"

"You can show me around all the places you go and stuff." Justin spotted Brian standing in the doorway, staring and knelt down before Gus. He kissed his forehead. "I have to go, but I'll call you tomorrow and you can tell me what you think of my present."

"Can't you stay?"

"No." Justin got up and ruffled his hair trying to get away from the glare across the room. "I would love to, but, I'm Sorry. I- I can't."

Justin turned his back and walked away.

"He's a busy man is Justin Taylor." Brian walked to Gus as Justin walked away and put his arm around him. "And he's not great at goodbyes, which he should be considering how many times he says them."

"Brian!" Mel scalded in a whisper.

"And you should get used to him walking away because, other than being an artist, it's the thing he does best."

Justin turned as he reached the door. "I told you I couldn't stay."

As Gus watched the door slam he shrugged away from his father and turned to face him. "I hate you! You ruin everything!"

"Gus!"

Brian tried to catch Gus as he ran past him, but he quickly swerved out of the way and ran up the stairs. He watched on until he heard the slam of a door, then slumped down into a chair.

"He hates me," Brian breathed, "Fuck."

Lindsay turned her back on him. "Yeah, well he's not the only one."

"Gus, honey?"

Debbie opened the door to Gus' bedroom quietly and crept in, then sat on the bed beside him. She watched him laid down on his stomach with his head buried into his pillow and stroked his hair.

"Go away."

"There's a party down there and it's missing its guest of honour."

"Touch shit!"

"Watch your fucking language and sit up." She pulled him by his ear.

"Ow!"

"Sit up and I'll stop."

Gus hit her hand away and sat up beside her. "I hate him."

"No you don't," she said, "You just think you do because he behaved like an ass towards Justin, but he only did it because Justin hurt him so much."

"Stop sticking up for him."

"I'm not."

"I just want both my dads at my birthday," Gus said sadly, "Like they used to be. I know Justin isn't my dad, but Mom isn't my Mom either and I don't care"

"Is that your birthday wish, honey?"

Gus nodded.

"Okay." She stood up. "Then you come with me and Auntie Deb will fix everything."

"You can't."

"The hell I can't." She pulled Gus up by his hand and led him down the stairs. "You just watch and learn kid, I'm going to show you how to fix any problem the Novotny way."

Debbie walked over to Brian and grabbed his left ear between her fingers and twisted it around until Brian gasped. "Come with me!"

"Fuck!"

She dragged him into the living room and shut the door. "Go outside and bring that kid back."

"Fuck No!"

She twisted some more. "Unless you only want your cheap tricks to be able to whisper not-so-sweet nothings into your right ear I suggest you change your mind."

"Get off!" Brian broke free and rubbed his ear. "God!"

Debbie threw him his coat from the back of a chair. "Go and bring him back."

"Why should I?" Brian walked over t the mirror and checked his red ear for damage. "I think I'm bleeding."

"Because," Debbie said, "you know better than anyone what happens to kids who hate their fathers. And as much as you claim to love yourself and think you're the most fabulous fag in the whole fucking world I know that there is no way you would want Gus to turn out as emotionally fucked up as you are."

"Shit!"

Brian ran out the door, leaving his Jacket and jogged down the driveway looking left and then right. He saw Justin walking at speed away from him, tucking his coat around him to beat off the wind.

"Justin!" He yelled. "Justin get your tight little ass back here!"

"Fuck You!"

"Justin!" Brian ran after him. "Will you slow down you little shit!"

"Sorry, I keep forgetting your age," Justin smiled staying one step ahead, "You're forty now."

"Hey!" Brian reached forward and pulled Justin back, then pinned him with his arm to the fence. "I'm thirty nine!"

"Get off!"

Justin struggled to get free, but Brian pressed his weight into him. "Come back to the party."

"Oh, yeah, because you're making me just want t be with you right now." He continued to struggle.

"Come back." Brian spoke slowly and moved his grip to pin Justin by his arms at his side. "Please."

"Why should I do you any favours considering the way you just spoke to me in front of our family."

"It's not for me, it's for him. I don't want to fuck up his day any more than you do." Brian pressed his forehead against Justin's and put his hands on his cold cheeks. "The shit I just pulled had Jack Kinney written all over it and I can't be that man."

Justin saw the pain in his eyes that Brian could never mask so well in front of him and stopped fighting back. "Okay." His tone softened and he covered Brian's hands with his own. "But you have to do one thing for me."

"What?"

"Stop comparing yourself to him, because you don't even come close. You would never do the things to Gus that your Dad did to you, same as I wouldn't pull the shit my father did. We know better."

"I know. It's just-" Brian sighed and closed his eyes, enjoyed the quiet silence for a moment.

"It's your biggest fear." Justin exhaled a deep breath and put his hands on the back of Brian's cold neck. "Now all we have to do is pretend that everything is okay between us. That should be an Oscar winning performance if we can pull it off considering you can't even look at me any more."

"Well, I can't take the blame for that." Brian opened his eyes and looked it him; his gaze turned cold. "You fucked up and turned us into this, not me."

"I know that."

"Do you?" Brian pressed his tongue into his cheek and shook his head. "Because I don't think you could ever understand what you did to us, what you ruined."

"Brian." Justin put his hands on Brian's face and swept his thumb over the skin. "You and me-"

"There is no you and me!" He hit Justin's hands away and pinned him back to the fence with his hand to his neck. "You were the biggest mistake I ever made and I wish I had never met you, let alone fucked you."

"You don't mean that."

"Y'know," Brian laughed bitterly to himself, "I thought that if I saw you again I would be okay. I thought that we could talk things through and still be friends, hell I even thought that we could get over it. But now that I see you and now that you're here I don't care if I never see you again."

"Brian-"

"Fuck you, you piece of shit!" His voice broke a little as he loosened his grip from the younger man's neck. "Fuck you."

Brian locked his gaze with Justin for a moment and resisted the urge to to wipe away his fresh tears. He pushed himself away and stepped back. "Now get your ass inside so that we can be one big happy fucking family for a few hours, then you can fly back to New York and go fuck yourself." He pushed Justin back against the fence until he heard it crack. "And the next time you tell someone you love them, don't say it unless you fucking mean it."

Brian walked off towards the house, leaving Justin stunned for a moment, until he finally pushed himself away from the fence and followed him

"You can do what you want!" Justin grabbed him back by his shirt. "You can shout at me and tell me to go and fuck myself." He threw him against the fence. "You can bad-mouth me to our family and you can tell me to drop off the face of the earth. But don't you ever tell me that I don't love you because you have no idea how much I do!"

"Did!" Brian corrected. "Past tense!"

"No." Justin exhaled a breath. "Do."

Brian said nothing for a moment and even let the younger man caress the side of his cheek. Justin wrapped his hands around the back of Brian's neck and pulled their lips so close he could taste his breath and feel the heavy beating of his heart. "I will always love you, Brian."

"I know."

Justin kissed his lips softly and deeply, pulling him close and wrapping his arms around him. He could feel Brian responding, winding his fingers through the strands of his hair, but after a few seconds pulled away, staying close. "I'll stay for a few hours and then I'll leave. If we plan our time with him right you won't ever have to see me again."

Justin backed away and let Brian go, then walked away from him towards the house.

TBC


	4. Chapter 4

**Not This Time**  
Part 4  
**Rating:** it's QAF and we need a rating? call it R, generally speaking.  
**Disclaimer:** Sadly QAF is not mine, damnit!  
**Synopsis:** Five years have passed since Justin left for NYC and he and Brian are doing a very good impersonation of a divorced couple, but times are changing and back t it's time for them to come together. Can they get over the past for the sake of Gus? R&R please. thanks.  
**a/n** - this is my first QAF fic, so give it a go. thanking you. Sorry it's been a little long, but openoffice ate my first attempt :( I have also fixed the formatting to something that will show up as my formatting didn't work and looked like I had no spaces between scenes.

Brian and Justin watched each other across the room all evening, following the other with their eyes, but never daring to get too close. When the lights went out and Emmett brought in the birthday cake with ten brightly burning candles and instructed everyone to sing thy didn't join in and neither of them noticed when Gus closed his eyes tight and made a wish like his life depended on it. But when the presents were opened they both smiled as Gus loved every gift he ripped open, whether it be one of the fourteen identical robots or a bag full of the seasons latest Armani threads. He was grateful for everything and anything, or if he wasn't he didn't show it.

"Two more!"

Mel moved through the crowd of Gus' extended family carrying a large flat present wrapped only in brown paper and string in one hand and balanced a square box wrapped the same underneath her arm.

"That's mine," Justin said, "I know it's not wrapped fancy or anything."

Gus ripped into the large one first, removing the layer of thick brown paper and then bubble wrap to reveal the kind of gift Justin always sent him; a painting. This time it was a picture of him and his father. He threw his arms around Justin and held him tight.

"Thanks Da-" He stopped himself as he looked over at Brian, "Justin. It's awesome."

"That's wonderful, Brian isn't this a wonderful picture." Lindsay looked it over Gus' shoulder, then dragged Brian across from the other side to look at it.

"Yeah. I'm sure it's-"

Brian cast his eyes over it and took in the detail and ran his fingers over the dark frame. What he had expected to be a picture of Gus and Justin was in fact a picture of himself and Gus. It was the picture that was placed secretly in his wallet behind his business cards, but it looked different to every other time he looked at it. Somehow Justin had managed to capture in the painting what had never existed in the photograph; at first glance it was a carbon copy, but something about it felt much more special. The wind that had cursed through his hair at last minute and forced it to stand up on end had been magically erased from time and the crowfeet that had appeared due to the glare of the sun had gone too. Justin had painted them both perfect, without any flaws.

"It's exquisite Justin."

"Well, it's what I do, so it should be." Justin smiled a little, then let it fade. "I'm glad you like it."

"I almost forgot how good you are."

"I found the picture on Gus' camera the last time I was in Toronto and I thought it was so good that I just felt inspired to paint it."

"It's beautiful." Brian turned to Gus and ruffled his hair. "How about we put this in your room so that you can see it when you come to stay, take down a few of those damn astro-man posters."

"Sure, that'd be cool. I'm too old for comics anyway"

"Hey!" Michael moaned. "They're classics."

"This is art." Brian said. "His dad painted it for him, that makes it special."

"This is special too." Justin handed Gus the other gift and watched as he tore it open. "Your Moms gave this to me when I got accepted to art college, I thought you might like it."

"Wow." Gus beamed as he lifted the lid and inspected all the brushes, charcoals and materials.

"I'm going to take this upstairs." Brian picked up the picture. "I don't want it getting ruined."

Brian shut the door behind him and dragged the heavy painting up the stairs; his foot was on the top stair when he heard footsteps and a Justin's voice behind him.

"I'm just going to say my goodbyes and then I'll be off."

"Okay."

"That's it?" Justin shook his head. "okay, that's all I get?"

"And what did you expect Justin?" Brian manoeuvred the painting into one of the bedrooms. "Teary farewells, Oscar-winning speeches, me on my knees begging you to stay? No, sorry sunshine you won't get that from me. Try Debbie."

"I was just looking for a goodbye."

He turned around for a moment to look at him. "Goodbye."

Brian walked into the room, shut the door and leaned the painting up against the wall. He lay down on his bed and lit up a cigarette, staring up at the ceiling. He was on his third slow puff when he was interrupted.

"We never say goodbye that way." Justin stormed in and shut the door. "we're never angry and bitter."

"I'm not angry, Justin. I just want you to go."

"I can't leave here with you hating me."

" I don't." Brian sighed, stubbed out his cigarette and got off the bed. "Fuck it. Get over here."

Justin walked slowly across the room and Brian wrapped his arms around him, holding him tight. He stroked the hairs on the back of his neck and kissed the top of his head.

"We never said goodbye before," Brian whispered, "because we never needed to."

"I know."

"When we realised it wouldn't work and called it a day you said three things. You said this isn't goodbye, that we would speak all the time and that no matter what I would always have you." Brian moved his hands to the side of Justin's face and rested his head against his, eyes shut. "But guess what, it's four and a half years later and it was goodbye, and we didn't speak and I don't have you."

"I'm sorry." Justin slipped his arms tighter about Brian's waist and held on to him. "I didn't think things would be as hard."

"Don't apologise, regrets are worthless." Brian kissed Justin's lips softly. "So walk away and when you get out that door never look back because we don't have each other any more, we only have ourselves and that's okay because that's the only person we ever really need."

"You still love me," Justin said, "don't you?"

"That's irrelevant." Brian's voice shook a little and he swept away the hairs from his questioning eyes. "The answer doesn't change anything, it doesn't mean anything."

"It does to me."

"And that was always your biggest flaw." He held him tight and kissed the spot just below his ear, then took a slow breath, inhaling the scent of Justin; that much had never changed. "Three little words meant far too much. Besides, at this juncture what does it really matter if I say them or not, or feel them or not, or mean them or not."

"I wish it mattered." He felt Justin hold onto him and his uneven breath heated the skin on Brian's neck as he pulled him closer, running his fingers through his hair. "I miss you and I know its all my fault that we're apart."

"Yeah, it is. But you need to forget about me," Brian said, "find someone closer to your own age who can give you exactly what you need."

"Is that's what you want?"

"It's not about what I want." Brian ran his thumb across the younger man's jaw, lowered his mouth to his lips and kissed him softly. "This is your life, not mine. You're twenty-seven and your life is just beginning to get interesting, why would you want to go backwards."

"Because I still love you."

"Love isn't an answer, Justin. Love is just a word. It's superficial."

"It is not superficial."

"I love my Jag, I love my Armani shirt, I love my Rolex watch. I love-"

"Gus?"

"Yeah, of course I love Gus!"

"And me?"

"Yes." Brian lowered his head, almost ashamed. "Yes, okay, I love you. So fucking what? It doesn't change anything."

"Well maybe it should."

Brian walked over to the door and opened it wide. "Bye Justin."

Brian lay on his back, his head hanging off the mattress and looked at Gus' painting upside down. The mixture of Jack Daniels, half a joint of the good stuff, a couple bumps and the fact that he was letting all his blood rush to his head was starting to make him feel a little woozy. He wasn't quite sure whether it was the room that was spinning or him, but he closed his eyes tight until the sensation stopped and refocussed his gaze on the upside-down painting. He could still taste Justin on his lips, still see him when he closed his eyes, so he took another drink and hoped it would just go away.

"Brian?" Lindsay popped her head through the door a little. "Can I come in."

"You usually do." He held the joint up in the air in a ceremonious fashion. "Want some?"

Lindsay took it and lay down beside him and hung her head over the side of the mattress beside him, then took a slow drag. "Mel told me that you're not coming in June after all."

Brian took a drink. "I bet your fellow muncher was merry about that."

"Why aren't you coming?"

"I got a better offer." Brian took the cigarette back from Lindsay. "I'll send a realtor to scout for some premises instead and visit in august for a while."

"Is this about Justin?"

"Fuck off." Brian sat up a little too quickly and let himself fall back down again.

"So it is about Justin."

"Fuck you."

"So you're just cancelling your trip for no logical reason?"

"You got it." Brian rolled onto his side, then flipped of the side of the bed, hitting the ground with a thud and a moan. Pulling himself back up to a sitting position, he reached for the bottle of Jack beside the bed.

"I don't think so." Lindsay removed it from his reach. "You're wasted."

"I'm beautiful." He elongated the second word and made an elaborate flourish movement with his hands. "Just look at that painting. I'm so fucking beautiful."

"What you need right now is a mirror, not a painting."

"I don't need a mirror to know I'm beautiful." He pulled himself to his feet. "Now, I'm busy so could you kindly fuck off and leave me the hell alone?"

"When you're like this? I don't think so."

"Okay, you can stay." Brian took a packet out of his pocket and waved it in front of her, the took out one of the two small white pills and offered it to her. "I got two. One for you and one for me."

"Are you kidding me?"

He wrapped his arm around her shoulder. "Come on Wendy, come and fly with me and leave all our troubles behind."

"I'll show you where you're flying." Linds took the packet and confiscated it, putting it in her own pocket. She pulled him into the bathroom by his shirt, switched on the shower and threw him into it.

"What the fuck!" Brian choked on the water and wiped his eyes with the heel on his hand. "Are you crazy?

"No, you are. now Sober up."


	5. Chapter 5

**Not This Time**  
**Part 5**  
**Rating**: it's QAF and we need a rating? call it R, generally speaking.  
**Disclaimer**: Sadly QAF is not mine, damnit!  
**Synopsis**: Five years have passed since Justin left for NYC and he and Brian are doing a very good impersonation of a divorced couple, but times are changing and it's time for them to come together. Can they get over the past for the sake of Gus? R&R please. thanks.  
**a/n **- this is my first QAF fic, so give it a go. thanking you. aLL Remember to let me know if you are enjoying it, confidence is always low when it;s your first fic. 

Brian emerged from the shower clean and a little more clear headed; the cold water had woken him up and then the clean warm spray had heated him through. He walked into the bedroom and tied the towel around his waist, then glared at Lindsay as she flicked through a magazine pn Brian's night stand with disgust.

"I don't think you want to look through that," he said taking it away "it has pictures of big scary cock in it."

"Feeling better?"

"Never do that again," Brian warned slowly, "ever."

"So when are you going to tell me what's going on?"

"There's nothing to tell." Brian looked at the clothes laid out on the bed and just laughed to himself and put them away, then looked around the wardrobe for something else. "Fucking dykes, you call this an outfit? I worry for my son's fashion influences around you two."

"Are you listening?"

"No." Brian shook his head and lay face down on the bed, covering his head with a pillow. "My head hurts, so if you would leave me the hell alone I would really appreciate it." She stared at him and he could sense she was still there. "Fuck off."

"What are you going to do about Justin?"

"Are you deaf?" Brian mumbled, then removed the pillow. "I said Fuck off!"

Lindsay let out a sound that was half frustrated sigh and half an irritated scream. "Why do you have to be such a pain in the ass?"

"That's my personality." He smiled sweetly, then grabbed the pillow and put it back over his face. "Go away!"

"No."

"If you don't leave me the fuck alone if going to kick you out."

"Ha!" Lindsay crawled over to him and straddled his chest, then removed the pillow and threw it across the room. "Talk!"

He tried to push her off, but it made his headache worse. "You know I'm going to have to have extensive therapy to get rid of the memory of having a twat so close to my face. I'll send you the bill."

She glared at him. "Justin."

"We're having this conversation?" Brian gave her a confused glare. "Really?"

"Yes, we are."

"Really?

"Yes!"

"Fine." Brian groaned and found the strength to push her off, then sat on the edge of the bed. "He told me that he still loves me."

"And this is news to you?" Lindsay shook her head in disbelief. "I understand that you can be a little oblivious to everyone's feelings, but to think that he would ever not love you is amazing even for you."

"I said that I loved him too and I kissed him, then I told him that it didn't change anything and asked to leave." He touched his fingers to his lips. "I can still taste him, still feel him, fuck I can still smell him." Brian fell back down on the bed. "Happy? I shared, now you can fuck off and go and lick some pussy."

"Why?"

"I thought that's what you munchers did." Brian glared at her. "If you're looking for a lesson, happily I can't help you."

"Not that. Why did you tell him to leave?"

"Because if I didn't I would've fucked him." Brian stared up at the ceiling. "God, I wanted to fuck him... and suck him... and rim him... then fuck him some more. Hell, I've been wanting to nail him all night. He's still really hot. Hotter. What an asshole."

"So why didn't you?" Lindsay asked. "Its not like you to ignore your dick."

"Because-" Brian searched for his explanation. "Because I didn't."

"Why?"

"because..." Brian sighed, then sat up. "Because I don't get it!"

"Get what?"

"If he loves me so fucking much then why did he-"

"Hurt you?" Lindsay finished his sentence and Brian just sighed and lay down. "Break the heart you never even knew you had until he dared to touch it?"

He said nothing for a moment. "I want to be alone."

"Don't be such a drama Queen. If you want to know so much, then why don't you ask him?"

"I can't. Right now he's on his way back to New York to go fuck himself because that's what I told him to do. Only he won't be fucking himself; he'll be fucking some guy, some younger guy, some hot younger guy with a- a fucking ten inch cock, a permanent hard-on and a subscription to- to fucking – what's that arty magazine you like?"

"Art forum?"

"Yeah, that." Brian sighed again. "And he should fuck that guy because he's young and hung and that's what you do."

"Justin is still here," Lindsay told him, "In the stables drawing with Gus, so if you want to talk to him then you need to do it now before its too late."

"I need a drink, not a fucking conversation."

"Fine!" Lindsay gave up, throwing her hands up in surrender. She took the bottle of Jack Daniels off the night-stand and threw it beside him, then launched the packet of confiscated E at his face. "Go on then! Drink yourself senseless, get stoned until you cant remember your own fucking name let alone anyone else's. But when you're alone and old and miserable because you gave up what might be the last chance to make up with the only person you loved other than yourself, my shoulder won't be here for you to cry on!"

Brian tried to grab her hand. "Wendy-"

Lindsay opened the door. "I'm not Wendy and you're not peter pan! I grew up, why the fuck won't you?"

"Linds-"

"In the words of the illusive Brian Kinney, king of the back-room of Babylon and man-whore extraordinaire, the guy that has had more holes than a life-supply of cheerios, 'go fuck yourself'."

The slam of the door made Brian jump and he buried his head in the pillow.

"We have to pack up now." Justin said, getting up from the stable floor where he and Gus had been sitting for at least an hour. "It's way beyond your bedtime."

"Just five more minutes." Gus picked up his drawing pad and pointed out the picture of a horse. "It still looks like a potato."

"All my drawings start off looking like potatoes and sometimes they end up looking like potatoes too and people still buy them." Justin sat back down. "It's not what they look like, it's what they mean. Look at Picasso."

"Please?" Gus gave Justin a look he could never say no to. "Five minutes."

"Okay, I guess five more minutes isn't going to hurt."

"Why do you even have to go?"

"Because I do. I have to get back to New York and I'm sure your Dad would like you to himself at some point."

"Why can't I have both of you like I used to?" Gus asked, looking up from his sketchpad. "I have two Moms."

"Sometimes adults don't get on."

"You used to."

"I know." Justin smiled sadly. "Listen, you're getting older now and you should know that me and your Dad, we are never going to be together like your Moms."

"Why?"

"I made a mistake a long time ago and now, unfortunately, I have to live with it. It makes me really sad a lot of the time, but sometimes that's what happens when you fu-" Justin caught himself. "mess up."

"I made a mistake." Gus grabbed the eraser from the box and rubbed out part of the horses mane and redrew it. "Now it's okay,"

Justin let out a little laugh. "God, I wish it was that simple, but real life isn't like that. If it was we'd never learn anything."

"But I miss you. I never see you."

"But we talk all the time and I come to Toronto when I can."

"It's not the same."

"I know." He wrapped his arms around him and squeezed him tightly until he squirmed. "But I'll be visiting in June and come august you'll be sick of the sight of me and begging me to leave you alone."

"No."

"Yes." He squeezed him tighter until the young boy was kicking his legs, trying to escape from the kisses Justin planted on his cheeks. The sound of a throat clearing made Justin release him and Gus wiped his cheeks with his sleeve.

"Gross."

"Hey, sonny-boy." Brian leaned against the stable wall. "Party's over. Time for bed."

Gus groaned. "But it's my birthday."

"I don't care if it's the apocalypse, get your ass to bed before it turns into a pumpkin."

Gus hugged Justin for a minute, then let go and walked over to Brian and gave him one too. "Night Dad."

Brian watched him leave and sighed then turned to Justin. "So, you looked like you were having fun?"

"Yeah." Justin hurried around collecting up all the art materials. "I'll just clear this up and then I'll be on my way."

"Don't bother."

"Okay." Justin put them down and collected his Jacket and bad from a stool. "I'll go now, you can tidy up yourself."

"I didn't mean that." Brian caught his hand as Justin tried to pass, then dropped it. "It's late and cold and the roads are really wet. You should stay the night and leave in the morning."

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah. Everyone else is staying, in fact we're having a few drinks so you should join us. I'll be a perfect hostess. I promise."

"You're being pretty friendly for a guy who said he never wants to see me again."

"Yeah." Brian scratched the side of his neck and looked a little sheepish. "About that. I was wrong to say that."

"Wrong?" Justin raised an eyebrow. "Brian Kinney, wrong?"

"Yeah."

"I didn't even know that was possible."

"Hey, miracles happen. Two more and I get my sainthood."

"Saint Brian of Babylon has a ring to it." Justin smiled. "But I should go."

"I'm not asking you to stay, I'm telling you. You're not going anywhere tonight." Brian slipped behind him and took off his jacket, then lowered his lips to his ear and held his hands by his side. "So stop being an ass about it and just get inside."

"Brian-"

"Stay." Brian whispered and Justin leaned back against him, feeling his breath on his neck. The older man resisted the temptation to kiss the back of his neck as he ran his fingers across his palm. "Please."

"I'll stay on one condition." Justin held his head up high as he turned around, a little closer than he had intended, then backed away from the warmth of his delicious whiskey-laced breath. "No fighting, or shouting. Gus really hates it and i'm not too fond of it either."

"I promise." He made a cross over his heart. "I'll be nice." Brian picked up Justin's bag and slung it over his shoulder, then tucked Gus' box under his arm. "I can't give you a bed tonight, we're full up, but the couch is really comfortable."

"The couch is fine."

Brian smiled and put his free arm on Justin's shoulder and pushed him out of the stable. "What are friends for."

Justin laughed and shook his head then pulled Brian back from the doorway "Friends? You have never referred to me as a friend in your life."

"Well, we're not lovers or partners, are we?" he said sadly, "and if we're not friends then I lose you and I don't want to. Now, as I make a rule of never doing something that I don't want to do you're going to have to deal with it."

Justin held onto his arms. "If I could change things between us then I would. In a second."

"I told you. no apologies, no regrets, no promises. Life's too short for that shit. So, are you coming or are we just going to stand here being depressing all night?"

"I'm coming."

Brian hitched Justin's bag into his shoulder and led the way into the house.


	6. Chapter 6

**Not This Time**  
**Part 6**  
**Rating**: it's QAF and we need a rating? call it R, generally speaking.  
**Disclaimer**: Sadly QAF is not mine, damnit!  
Warnings: Sex, swearing, recreational drug use  
**Synopsis**: Five years have passed since Justin left for NYC and he and Brian are doing a very good impersonation of a divorced couple, but times are changing and it's time for them to come together. Can they get over the past for the sake of Gus? R&R please. thanks.  
**a/n **- this is my first QAF fic, so give it a go. thanking you all. Remember to let me know if you are enjoying it, confidence is always low when its your first fic.

The loud tick of the clock filled the room as midnight came and Justin downed the remains of the whiskey at the bottom of his glass. He watched the fire as at crackled and popped in the way that only a real fire could and felt thankful that he had the warmth from it.

"The couch is comfortable, but it's pretty cold tonight so I would keep the fire on for a while if I were you." The door opened with a swift kick of a foot and Brian came in carrying two pillows and a rather hefty blanket and threw them down on the couch.

"Thanks."

Brian looked Justin up and down without trying to look too obvious about it. The entire ensemble he was wearing consisted of a pair of Pyjama bottoms, a glass of whiskey and a cigarette; he was fucking beautiful. Justin was never going to be a pumped up steroid queen, but he obviously knew how to take care of himself. His body was covered in the most deliciously soft and delicately toned milky skin; it was exactly the kind of body that Brian wanted to bite and fuck and kiss forever.

"Brian?"

He stopped looking and shook out the thoughts. "Huh?"

"Are you okay?"

"Yeah. It's late so I'm going to go up." Brian said, walking towards the door. "I'll see you in the morning."

"Stay and have a drink with me," Justin suggested, "you look like you could do with one."

"Sure." Brian took the drink on offer and leaned against the wall beside the fire, watching Justin over the rim of his glass as he sat on the couch. "It's been a long day."

"Mmm." Justin stood up and walked across the room to top up his glass. "Every day is going to be a long day for me for the next four months."

"Lindsay told me about the exhibit." Brian clinked Justin's glass. "Congratulations."

"The wonder of Art, huh? I've worked on it, sacrificed for it, obsessed over it non-stop for five years."

"Then you've earned it." Brian smiled. "You should be proud of yourself."

"I am."

"And I'm proud of you too."

"You are?" Justin sounded surprised.

"After all the shit that you've been through you deserve some success, if only to piss off the breeders and prove that you're better than they are."

"You should come to the opening," Justin suggested, "as my guest. After all if it wasn't for you then I wouldn't be where I am now."

"As your guest?"

"Yeah." Justin waited anxiously for an answer.

"Toronto is a long way to go to see a couple paintings."

Justin's hopeful smile fell into a frown. "I understand. Don't worry about it."

"But, I suppose I can hardly refuse when the artist himself requests my presence." Brian put his glass on the mantelpiece. "I'd love to."

"Maybe you could even stick around for a while, let Gus know that we can both be in one place at the same time and not fight." Justin took their glasses and refilled them again. "It would make him really happy."

Brian nodded and took the glass, letting his fingers linger over Justin's for a moment. "And you?"

"Yeah. And me."

"Then ask me for yourself," Brian said, "not Gus."

Justin locked his gaze with Brian. "Come to Toronto for my exhibit."

"Why?"

"Because I want you there."

"Then I'll free up my schedule." Brian knocked back the drink and handed the glass to Justin. "I should get to bed, Gus is always up at the crack of fucking dawn on his first day."

Justin watched Brian as he walked towards the door and considered just letting him go without another word. "Brian?"

He turned around and gave him a look that said 'what?'

"Thanks for letting me stay." He walked towards him and stood close. "You don't know how much it means to me."

"I put you up on my couch, it's really not a big deal."

"I meant for letting me stay in your life." Justin tested the waters and put his hands on Brian's shoulders, stroking the skin on the side of his neck gently with his thumb.

"Who said I was?" Brian sighed and closed his eyes, then opened them again and held Justin's face between his hands. "What the fuck was my other option?"

"You could have said you never wanted to see me again."

"I did."

"You could have meant it."

"I didn't," Brian spoke softly. "But don't be flattered, I didn't do it for you."

"Yeah, you did it for Gus."

"No." Brian shook his head. " Was I really supposed to watch you walk away knowing that I might never see you again? I couldn't do that."

Justin slipped his arms around Brian's neck and held him, resting his head on his shoulder. He could feel the older Man as he pulled him closer and ran his fingers through his hair, gently grasping fistfuls with one hand as the other stroked the skin on his back. Brian pulled him in closer, running his fingers heavily over his skin and let his lips drag against his shoulder; he could hear Brian's steady breaths break into broken ones as he inhaled his scent and ran his hands over his back.

"I thought you were going to bed," Justin whispered.

"I am." Brian cleared his throat and stepped back. "Turn the lights out before you go to sleep."

********************************************************************************

Brian lay awake staring at the crack of light let in through the gap in the curtains and lit a cigarette; he inhaled deeply and let it out slow, then watched the long column of smoke as it rose towards the ceiling and dispersed into a fine mist. It had been hours since he had first lay down and although he was tired his brain wouldn't let him sleep. He looked over to the empty spot beside him again and ran his fingers over the cold pillow, raking a moment to gaze again at the painting propped up in the corner before returning his interest to the light on the ceiling.

Brian held the cigarette in his mouth and removed the chain from his neck; he started to dangle it above his face, flicking the two rings around until they spun in circles. He blew another column of smoke, took off one of the rings and placed it on the second finger on his left hand; he held it above his face to watch the gold as it caught the light and slowly exhaled the last puff of smoke into the air before stubbing out his cigarette.

Slipping the the ring that would have been Justin's onto his little finger, Brian looked at the two rings together for a while and let out a long exhausted sigh. He had kept hold of them for five years despite Michaels suggestion that he sell them or give them away and every now and again, when he saw someone that looked like him or found himself staring at the Justin Taylor original in his loft, he would slip them off the chain and onto his finger. And every time they just made him feel incomplete and alone, or in need of some serious medication from his disco pharmacologist to make it go away; there was a great comfort in just passing out and waking up bruised and confused and wasted without any memory of anything remotely human. But tonight the nagging feeling in his gut, a feeling that he hadn't felt for far too long was eating away and making it feel like he was missing something vitally important; his desire to get wasted and pass out was overshadowed by something far more relevant.

"Fuck it."

Brian pulled off the rings and put them back on the chain, then dropped them inside the drawer in his night-stand. He pushed the warmth of the covers away, sat up, pulled himself out of bed and headed towards the door and down the stairs, being quiet as he passed the rooms of his sleeping guests.

As he approached the bottom of the stairs Brian could see the flickering of a television flashing into the hallway and the low sound of an old movie playing. He walked into the room and shut the door behind him and headed over to the chair where Justin was sitting, upright and asleep.

"Justin?" Brian called his name softly. "Justin?"

Justin groaned in his sleep, stretched out and opened one sleepy eye, blinking a few times before looking up and focusing. "Brian, hey." He rubbed his eyes with the heels of his hands. "What time is it?"

"Almost two."

Justin gave him a look that said 'what the fuck?'

"I couldn't sleep." He explained and watched as Justin stretched out like a cat and ran his fingers through his hair. "A problem that you obviously don't seem to share with me."

"So you woke me up?" Justin smiled. "How considerate of you."

He looked at the TV. "Is that East of Eden?"

"Yeah. James Dean marathon."

"Hmm. God, he was one lucky son of a bitch."

Justin laughed and stretched out at the same time. "He died tragically at twenty-four smashed up in a wreck, how could he ever be lucky?"

"He died young and hot, so he will always be remembered that way." Brian watched the movie closely. "He never ever aged."

"Is this one of those times where you obsess and convince yourself that you're old?" Justin stood up and walked over to Brian and sat down beside him. "You're not old. The only person that ever had a problem with your age was you."

"I recall your father having a pretty big problem with it."

"Yeah, well he had problems with a lot of things."

"And that is where Gus is lucky. Because even if he sat me down one day and told me he was straight, a big fat breeder of a hetro, I'd still love him. And so would you."

"True." Justin nodded in agreement. "You wanna know why?"

"Why?"

"Because our fathers fucked us up and we will never be like them." Justin turned his head to face Brian, watching him as he stared at the ceiling.

"I drink almost as much as he did."

"Yeah, but you would never beat the shit out of Gus or regret the day he was born or tell him that you have no son."

"You're right. I wouldn't."

They sat in silence for a moment.

"Why did you come down here and wake me up," Justin asked, turning his attention back from the ceiling, "because I'm pretty sure it wasn't to talk about James Dean or your father."

Brian looked at him. "No, I didn't."

"Then why did you?"

Brian slipped his hand over Justin's neck and stroked the skin just below his jaw, then pushed his chin up by his thumb and kissed him slowly, taking it no further than a caressing taste of his lips. "To make sure that you were still here and that you hadn't left without telling me. And to make you promise that you're never going to just disappear again."

"I promise."

"Good." Brian's lips curved into the smallest of smiles.

"So, what now? Are you going back to bed?"

"Actually, I feel like watching this movie, I haven't seen it in years."

"I remember when we watched your James Dean boxset back-to-back, lying on the floor in your loft smoking weed. The strong shit."

"Oh yeah," Brian smiled. "We were off our faces by the end Giant, just rolling around on the floor laughing at the funniest fucking joke and we couldn't even remember what it was and that made us laugh even more."

"We should reclaim that youth," Justin said, "forget about all our crap for a while and just have fun."

"I would love to, but I smoked my last one earlier."

"Lucky for you I was a boy scout." He reached down the side of the couch and pulled out a battered cigarette tin and opened it. "I always come prepared."

Brian laughed and stood up, then arrange the blankets and pillows on the floor and sat down. "I taught you so well."

"Do we have to get on the floor?"

"It's not the same if you don't." Brian kneeled up and pulled Justin down with him. "If we're going to reclaim this experience then we need to do it right."

Justin hovered above him. "We fucked last time."

"Well it's the one thing that stays constant." Brian pinned Justin to the floor. "We have always fucked and one day we'll fuck again because that's what we're best at."

Justin moistened his lips and looked up into Brian's hungry eyes. "You want to fuck me?"

"I always want to fuck you, but it doesn't mean that I should." Brian stood up. "I'll get us some beers, you roll."


	7. Chapter 7

**Not This Time**  
**Part 7**  
**Rating**: it's QAF and we need a rating? call it R, generally speaking.  
**Disclaimer**: Sadly QAF is not mine, damnit!  
Warnings: Sex, swearing, recreational drug use  
**Synopsis**: Five years have passed since Justin left for NYC and he and Brian are doing a very good impersonation of a divorced couple, but times are changing and it's time for them to come together. Can they get over the past for the sake of Gus? R&R please. thanks.  
**a/n **- this is my first QAF fic, so give it a go. thanking you all. Remember to let me know if you are enjoying it, confidence is always low when it;s your first fic.

"So." Brian held the joint to Justin's lips and exhaled his hit slowly. "You got anyone waiting for you back in New York?"

"Fuck no." He shook his head. "I understand your life philosophy completely now. I fuck and that's it. It's not worth the pain."

"That's not like you."

"I've changed."

"I thought you would be hitched to an arty type in a turtle-neck and living in the suburbs by now with two blonds brats and a chihuahua." Brian laughed, then said the last word again, syllable by syllable" chi-hua-hua."

"Fuck off." Justin pushed him in the shoulder and took another hit. "All my tricks are gone by two, no sleepovers, no reruns. No strings."

"What the fuck happened to you?"

"I've had more offers than Elizabeth Taylor, but it's not for me." Justin looked over at him, his world spinning slow. " I don't like being locked into possessiveness and paranoia." Justin turned on his side and took the joint back from Brian. "I would rather be alone than have my life ruled and destroyed by someone else."

"Okay." Brian smiled and nodded as he exhaled. "What was his name?"

"Tim." Justin spit the word out with disgust. "Fucking asshole."

"Tim?" Brian laughed. "I have never fucked a Tim who was worth fucking."

"He was a great Fuck."

"Was he as good as me?" Brian looked worried for just a moment.

"He was a close second. We were together for six months." Justin knocked back his beer and lay down on the floor. "Worst six months of my life and that's quite a competition."

"So what did he do to our little sunshine?" Brian pinched Justin's cheeks.

"Nothing at first. It was great. We met at an art exhibit, he was a sculptor and we had loads in common; it was like two sides of the same coin in some ways. It was good for a couple months. Really Intense." Justin shook his head. "And then we had to go and get engaged."

"Let me guess. That's when it all turned sour and Dr. Goodlove turned into Dr. Badlove?"

"He got really possessive and wouldn't let me out the apartment. I only went out when he did." Justin took a hit and exhaled it slowly. "He beat the crap out of me, stole from me, made me feel generally worthless."

"He hit you?" Brian sat up, suddenly more interested in the conquest. "What the fuck for?"

"I drank too much, I smoked too much, I ignored him when I was working, I didn't like his fucking ignorant bigot of a mother." Justin took a lazy hit. "He said I was ugly, I was fat, I was stupid, I was too blonde, that my clothes were too tight." Justin closed his eyes to stop them from stinging. "I was worthless, but lucky to have someone that loved me so much he would tell me what was wrong so that I could fix myself and be better."

"That's complete bullshit!" Brian leaned on one elbow and stroked the ends of Justin's hair. "Tell me that you didn't believe that shit."

Justin laughed until his tears came. "Oh, I believed it. I was convinced of it. I dropped my weight until I could feel my ribs and I dyed my hair so that I would be beautiful."

"You already were. You still are and I can't imagine a day that you won't be."

"Well, I didn't feel that way at the time."

"Why the hell didn't you just leave the son of a bitch?"

"I had nowhere to go." Justin's voice was weak. "I was ashamed."

Brian wiped Justin's cheeks, then ran his fingers through the length of his hair and leaned in close, resting his forehead against him. "You can always come home, we would've sorted it out."

Justin laughed. "And said what? 'hey, Brian I know we haven't spoken in two years, but I need you?' No. You would have laughed in my face."

"Better than having him beat the crap out of it." Brian rolled onto his side and kissed Justin's chin. "It's far to pretty for that."

"That's what you tell all the boys."

"Only the special ones."

"Bullshit." Justin found his smile again. "You say that so that they'll let you fuck them."

"They'd let me anyway." Brian handed the joint to Justin, then rolled back onto his back. "So, where is he now?"

"Paris, probably making someone else's life hell."

"Well, at least it isn't yours." Brian took a drink. "And I couldn't be happier about that. I would hate to think that I spent five years transforming you into a fabulous fag, just to have some asshole undo all my handiwork in a space of six months."

"So it was your faggot to fabulous rehabilitation program that you're worried about the reputation of?" Justin took a deep hit, then laughed. "You're so full of shit. I know you care about me."

"Yeah, you knew before I did."

"Brian," Justin turned his head lazily to look at him, "everyone knew before you did."

"Yeah, and most of them are upstairs in their cosy little beds just dreaming that you and I will fuck and make up. Wishing that we would get back together and settle down like the merry munchers of gayopolis so that they can feel happy about their fucking miserable lives." Brian sniggered. "Imagine that, a life full of-"

"Cooking?"

"And Gardening?"

"Not to mention cocoa and cuddling, lights out by nine." Justin shook his head. "I'd rather not. Thanks. I prefer fucking."

"Don't forget sucking."

"And rimming."

"Clubbing."Brian smiled and stood up, then pressed a button on the stereo. The room filled with the low thumpa thumpa. "Dancing till four." He pulled Justin up and held him close, starting to sway. "Until the beat is all you can hear."

Justin hung his arms around his neck. "All those tweaked out twinks."

"You can talk." Brian buried his hands into Justin's hair. "You're well on your way to being one of those."

"I'm twenty-seven," he reminded him, turning his back to him as they danced. "I can't be a twink anymore. I'm too old."

"Old." Brian laughed. "Fuck old."

"Too old to be a twink."

"You still look like one to me." He ran his hands through Justin's hair then down his sides before gripping his hips and pulling him closer. "Still young, still blonde, still hot." He bit down on his ear. "Still the best fuck I ever had."

"And you?" Justin leaned his head back and looked up. "Still such a romantic."

"You're worth it." Brian held him close, running his hands over his stomach. "So, how's the New York scene?"

"It's okay. No Babylon, though."

"Cant beat Babylon for illicit sex, illegal drugs and dance-floor blow-jobs."

"The only good thing about New York is the revolving door. There's someone new every night. So many potential tricks, so little time."

"Good job you don't do relationships then."

"Nope. Now it's just me and Pablo."

"Pablo?" Brian laughed as the name rolled off his tongue and took a deep hit. "Pablo?"

"He's not perfect. He's got three legs and half an ear but he loves me." Justin gripped Brian's ass and squeezed it, pulling him closer as the thumpa thumpa took over his mind. "Talking of perfect, you still have the ass of a twenty-nine year old."

"Yeah, well don't tell anyone. He might want it back." Brian picked up another joint from the table and lit it, then took a deep hit. "So, who the fuck is Pablo?"

"Don't get too excited." Justin giggled as Brian wrapped his arm around him and held the joint to his mouth. "He's just my cat."

"You have a cat?" Brian's laughter consumed him and it was only Justin's hands gripping onto his ass that kept him upright. "Who ever thought, I can see the headline in 'out' Justin Taylor likes pussy."

"He followed me home one night and refused to leave."

"Sounds like someone I used to know." Brian nuzzled into him and kissed his neck lazily. "But he left me and went to New York to be a big shot artist."

Justin laughed. "Oh yeah, what an asshole!"

"He left me in the Pitts to fend for myself. Now I'm all on my own until I leave this planet for that big homo heaven in the sky." Brian bit his ear. "The thumpa-thumpa for all eternity."

"I thought you liked being alone?" Justin held Brian's arm against his chest. "Its all you've wished since you were a kid. Brian Kinney, not having to answer to anyone."

"Yeah, well you should be careful what you wish for cos you never know how you're going to feel when you get it." Brian took a hit, then exhaled it slowly as he tightened his grip on Justin . "You don't know how much you miss someone until they break your heart and fuck off to be someone else."

Brian let him go and dropped onto the couch, took a hit and rolled onto his back, laughing uncontrollably to the point of tears. He gripped his stomach as he inhaled so deeply the joint went out. "fuck."

"What's so funny?" Justin took the third joint from his tin and lit it, even though it went against his better judgement, then lay down on the floor and took a drink from the bottle of Jim Beam.

"Nothing." Brian switched off the music.

"Pretty funny nothing."

"You," Brian wiped his eyes and dropped back onto the floor . "You smashed my heart up into teeeeeny-tiiiiiny pieces." Brian stole the joint from Justin and took another hit before passing it back, then rolled over to pin him to the floor. He kissed him hard, pulling his hair and bruising his lips until their teeth clashed and their heads became light. "Only you could manage to break something that was already fucked up beyond recognition in the first place."

Justin let Brian rest his head on his chest and stroked his hair, then took away the joint and took it for himself. "I think you've had enough of that for now."

Brian laughed. "I'm just getting started."

"You're tweaked." Justin laughed and stroked his hair. "Beautifully tweaked."

Brian rolled rolled over, pinning Justin to the floor with his weight. "I love tweaking, it is absolutely my favourite sport. There are no Tims, no pain. Just you and me and the fabulous James Dean."

"You sounded pretty hurt to me a moment ago."

Brian laughed. "I've been hurt for almost five years, I'm used to it by now. But this." Brian held the joint to his lips and took a long drag, then exhaled it slowly. "This makes it all better, it doesn't hurt, it doesn't go away, It's just kinda there."

"You're crazy." Justin shook his head and had a drink. "You know that we're going to be in hell by the morning?"

"Well if you're going to go to hell, why not drop by heaven first." Brian kissed Justin hard, pinning him to the floor with his body and held his hands beside his head. "We haven't been there for a while, at least not together."

Justin locked his gaze with the older man, his eyes dark and piercing. "I know that look."

"What look would that be?" He lowered his lips to Justin's neck and kissed it, then licked a slow path from his collarbone to his chin and bit him gently.

"That's the Brian Kinney's going to fuck you so hard you pass out look." Justin hissed as Brian's hand slipped around his cock.

"Well, considering how many times I did fuck you, I would be disappointed if you forgot it." He bit down on his earlobe and Justin could feel his lips break into a smile. "Christ, you're hard."

"Maybe that's because you've been rubbing your cock against my ass since we started dancing." Justin pulled Brian's hair, yanking his lips into a fierce kiss. He grabbed fistful of his hair, twisting it until he could feel Brian's yelps of pain through the kiss, biting his lips as he pulled away.

"I'm going to suck you, fuck you, rim your ass then fuck you all over again." He spoke deliberately slowly, dragging his tongue over Justin's throat. "And then, if you're lucky, I might even let you fuck me."

"You're in a generous mood," Justin breathed.

"I said might."

Brian kissed, nipped, sucked and bit his way down Justin's body, tasting the skin underneath his lips until he got to his hips. He licked a slow trail from one hipbone to the other, taking time to flick his tongue over the bone and smiled as he felt the younger man squirm and try to lift his hips. He slipped Justin's trousers over his hips and took a moment to drink in the sight of his cock, then licked the length before slipping it slowly between his lips and into his waiting mouth.

Justin hit his head against the floor and gripped a fistful of Brian's hair; he could feel the talented Kinney mouth as he slipped in and out of it, then the slow flick of his tongue. He opened his mouth to help him breathe, but his breaths were coming out in occasional pants, almost as though his supply was being cut.

"Brian!" Michael stood at the door, mouth open in shock as he saw his best friend mouth-fucking the estranged blonde. "What the fuck?"

Brian removed his mouth from Justin's cock and looked towards the doorway. "Oh, hey Mikey!" He replaced the movements of his mouth with his hand.

"Brian what the fuck are you doing?"

He smiled. "We're playing battleships."

"He was just about to sink it too." Justin pushed Brian's head back down and he obediently swallowed as much as he could.

"Brian!"

Brian removed his mouth, exasperated. "You wanna join us? You can watch me sink one in his ass later, but I'd watch out for the torpedo."

Michael walked in the room, trying not to look directly at them. "You're tweaked," he said, "you're both tweaked."

Justin pushed Brian back down. "Observant. Now fuck off."

"What the hell do you think you're doing?"

Brian released Justin from his mouth. "I'm sucking his cock, then I plan on fucking his brains out so you can watch or get the fuck out."

"So, you're just going to fuck?"

"God!" Brian let out an exasperated sigh, then stood up. "I'll be back in a minute, don't jack off." He pulled Michael by the shirt into the hallway. "What the fuck do you want? There's a cock in there and it ain't going to suck itself."

"You two spent the first five years of your relationship yo-yoing between fucking eachother and fucking eachother up and now you're going to start all over again?"

"Fuck you!" Brian turned to leave, only to find Michael pulling him back.

"He disappeared for nearly five years without even telling you why. He turned you into a fucking fall-down mess and left us to pick up the pieces, now you're in here sucking his cock? You shouldn't even be talking to him."

"I'm not talking to him," Brian said, "I'm talking to you when I should be fucking his brains out."

"And that'll fix things will it?" Michael shook his head in disbelief. "You think you can fuck him and everything will be fine? You think that'll make things better?"

Brian rubbed the bridge of his nose and leaned on the wall, then raised his eyes to Michael. "I miss him."

"Miss what? Miss his mind games, miss the way he fucked you up and left?"

"I was already fucked up. He can't possibly make me any worse. It's not like I'm marrying him Mikey, I'm just fucking him."

Michael grabbed him by the back of the neck and made him look at him "You can't just fuck him."

"Watch me."

"You love him." Michael looked at his best friend for a moment, watching as his features softened. "You're the cold-hearted bastard that can't love anyone, but you love him and you can't stop."

"What's your point?"

"That you can't just fuck someone you love like that and treat them like some nameless trick you pick up in Babylon."

Brian shrugged. "I can try."

"You could never just fuck Justin once. Even when he was just a nameless trick you couldn't resist him. He's your Kryptonite and he's going to slowly kill you."

"Well, somehow superman always survives being exposed to his Kryptonite, so if you wouldn't mind I would quite like to being exposed to mine."

Michael caught Brian;s wrist as he made his third effort to escape. "You can't fuck Justin like you fuck everyone else."

"I don't tell you how to live your life."

"You tell me all the time!"

"Yeah and you never listen either. Now either go upstairs and cuddle up to your wife like the have-a-go-hetro you are, or get the fuck out of my house!" Brian pulled his wrist away from him.

"Fine, do what you want." Michael started to climb the stairs. "I'll see you in the morning, try not to be naked, it puts me off my breakfast."

Brian waited until he was gone and walked back in to find Justin standing in the middle of the room. "Miss me?"

"Michael's right," Justin said, "we can't just treat eachother like nameless tricks, we never could."

Brian swaggered over and gripped Justin by the waist and pulled him close. "Micahel talks out of his ass."

"Then he has a very correct ass."

Brian sighed. "Neither of us do love, we don't do relationships. All we have is fucking, so why not?"

"No, we don't do love. Unless its eachother. You know as well as I do that we're the exception to eachother's rule. So, lets try some honesty on for size for once. Can we really just fuck and it just be a meaningless?"

"No."

"Could we fuck and be together, be partners, lovers?" Justin waited for his answer.

"Justiin-"

"Answer me!" Justin pleaded. "Can we be that?"

"I didn't know you wanted that right now." Brian softened his gaze. "Do you want that?"

"That wasn't my question." Justin held Brian's head still and locked his gaze. "Answer me,"

Brian closed his eyes and rested his head against Justin's. "Not right now. No."

"Then you should go to sleep," Justin suggested, walking back to the couch. "Because as much as we don't want it to be, this would be a mistake."

_

Justin looked blankly at the television; it was almost six and the curtains were barely keeping out the sun, but his eyes had never closed to sleep. He lay down on the couch and rested on the pillow. His make-shift bed was comfortable enough but sleeping was an impossibility.

"Hey."

He heard Brian's voice from the doorway, soft and exploring.

"Hi." He looked over, but didn't get up.

"You're not asleep I see."

"Watching TV."

"Anything good on?" Brian walked tentatively across the room and stood at the other end of the couch.

"I wouldn't know. I'm not paying any attention to it. What are you doing up?"

"I couldn't sleep, so I thought I would come downstairs and see if you could."

"Brian, come over here." Justin moved until his back was flat against the backrest and lifted up the blanket as an invitation. "I won't bite."

"We won't both fit in there."

"Yes we will. Now don't make me come over there and get you." He smiled. "It's warm."

Brian breathed out a laugh and shook his head, then walked over and slipped in beside him, trying not to fall out. He rested his head on the pillow next to Justin and held onto the younger man's waist to keep balance; it was strangely comfortable.

"I've just been lying here thinking about what Michael said." Justin stroked Brian's hair away from his face. "And you."

"That's what I was doing too. I fucking hate it when he's right."

Justin moistened his lips, then sighed. "You deserve an explanation about why I did what I did, why I shut you out."

"Yeah, I do."

"I hated New York when I moved there. It was too busy, too impersonal and I didn't know anyone there. I didn't go out, I just stayed in and thought about you and what you were doing. I lived waiting for the weekends when I would see you and that's all I did." He smiled a little nervously. "I didn't paint, I didn't draw, I didn't even doodle because there wasn't a single moment that I didn't feel alone and isolated."

"You never told me." Brian caressed the side of Justin's face and pulled his head down onto his chest. "You should have."

"I couldn't."

"I would have relocated if you'd asked me to. Advertising is hardly difficult in New York and I would have enjoyed your ass much more than I enjoyed Pittsburgh."

"And sacrifice your life for mine?" Justin looked up at him. "That's why we called off the wedding. Every week you came straight from the office on Friday and stayed all weekend; you didn't go to Babylon, you didn't fuck tricks. You just worked and saw me and that was your life."

"I don't do anything I don't want to do. You were actually enough and it scared the shit out of me." Brian let out a sharp sigh. "I was happy."

"You would've got bored eventually."

"You don't know that."

"All you have done since meeting me, other than fuck me, is support me and encourage me and I was in New York with no desire to be anything else but your lover."

"That's just fucked." Brian raked his fingers through Justin's hair. "But I can understand you feeling that way."

"Every day you were getting further away from the man I knew and I was getting further away from the person you kept telling me I could be." He sighed and closed his eyes. "Even when we broke things off and tried to be friends I wanted to be here with you, so I thought that if I could forget you, then I could be the person that you would want me to be."

"By cutting me out of your life like I never existed?" Brian asked in a whisper. "Like I never mattered?"

"I had to know who I was and I needed to find out how to fend for myself. It was the only way I was going to get on with my life."

"And what about mine? You disappeared off the face of the fucking earth."

"I know." Justin opened his eyes to look at him; he was being far too understanding.

"You cut yourself off from everybody, even your Mom." Brian took a breath, then paused for a moment to swallow a lump that had formed in his throat. "I thought something had happened to you, nobody had seen or heard of you for three weeks. You didn't even answer your fucking door when I came looking for you."

"I was trying to get my head together."

"Yeah, well while you were doing that I was busy being fucking scared." He ran his fingers across his back idly. "I thought you were lying dead in fucking gutter somewhere or at the bottom of the Hudson."

"I didn't think about that."

"It was like the prom and Babylon all over again, only it lasted longer." Brian let out a sudden hard breath, then sucked it back in. He closed his eyes to stop the heat from getting to them. "I have never been so fucking scared for anyone in my entire life. I thought that was it, I was waiting for a call, waiting for someone to tell me that I had lost you forever."

Justin moved up Brian's body a little and kissed his collarbone softly. "You could never lose me forever."

"Then, when I had worried myself and scared myself and put myself through so much agony that my insides ached, Mel informed me that you were fine but that we were finished and you didn't want to see me again." Brian hastily wiped his face, scared that he showed too much. "I spent the next four and a half years wondering what the fuck I had done to make you hate me so much."

"You didn't do anything, I didn't hate you. I know I was an asshole."

"That doesn't even cover it." Brian shook his head. "There are no words for what you did."

"Why aren't you more angry?" Justin pushed himself off Brian's chest to look at him. "Why aren't you throwing me out, why aren't you shouting at me and telling me to go fuck myself?"

He stared at him blankly. "what's the fucking point? It wouldn't change it, it won't make it right and It wouldn't make me forgive you because I will never forgive you." He touched his cheek and a little sad warmth returned. "I can't."

"So what now?"

Brian pulled Justin's mouth down to his and kissed him softly. "I don't know."

"What do we do?"

"You put your head here." Brian pulled Justin's head onto his chest and covered them with the blanket. "And we go to sleep, then when we wake up we just deal with it."


	8. Chapter 8

**Not This Time**  
**Part 8**  
**Rating**: it's QAF and we need a rating? call it R, generally speaking.  
**Disclaimer**: Sadly QAF is not mine, damnit!  
Warnings: Sex, swearing, recreational drug use  
**Synopsis**: Five years have passed since Justin left for NYC and he and Brian are doing a very good impersonation of a divorced couple, but times are changing and it's time for them to come together. Can they get over the past for the sake of Gus? R&R please. thanks.  
**a/n **- this is my first QAF fic, so give it a go. thanking you all. Remember to let me know if you are enjoying it, confidence is always low when it;s your first fic. Sorry about the delay,i went back to work after being on the sick and I didn't have as much time.

"Hey sweetie." Debbie turned from the frying pan to give Michael a quick kiss before returning her attention to the bacon. "I hope you're hungry, I think I cooked half a pig."

"What's all this?" Michael looked at the kitchen table, set out for ten people; the aroma of the coffee wafted through the kitchen, mixing with the bacon fat and pancakes. "Did I wake up in the dinner?"

"No, honey," she chuckled, "I'm cooking us all a nice hearty family breakfast."

Michel poured himself a cup of coffee from one of the many pots. "Are there any coffee beans left in Columbia?"

"A lot of people drink a lot of coffee."

"What's wrong with cornflakes for breakfast?"

"This is the first time our family have been together in a long time, you can't toast that on fucking cornflakes." Debbie smiled and slapped his cheek affectionately.

"And by family you mean-"

"Sunshine." she smiled. "Pittsburgh has been dull without his rays."

"He's going back to New York, he's not staying."

"I know that, but maybe he won't leave it so long next time." She checked the clock on the wall. "When are those lazy ass holes going to get up, its ten already."

"They were up late," Michael said, "drinking, smoking, playing battleship."

"Well they better get up soon, or I'll be serving this up for lunch."

"I don't think I can sit down and watch Brian eat after what I walked in and saw him tucking into last night."

"What was that?"

"Justin," Michael said plainly and sat down at the table, "on the floor."

"So that's what's eating your ass." Debbie sat down beside him. "So to speak."

"After everything they've been through how can he just-"

"Suck his cock?" Debbie laughed. "Honey, that's just Brian. He's a law unto himself."

"Yeah, Justin too." Michael drained his coffee.

"And that's why you have to let them work it out without sticking your nose is where it doesn't belong."

"I'm a Novotny. It comes with the DNA."

"Morning." Justin walked into the kitchen and poured himself a coffee. "Is that bacon?"

""You're up?" Michael said. "I'm surprised, considering how mortally tweaked you were last night."

"I recover easily."

"And when are you going back to Pittsburgh?"

"Later, when Emmett's ready to go."

"Maybe you should go sooner." Michael suggested. "The longer you stay, the more hopeful he gets, so maybe you shouldn't stay too long. If you really love him, you'll put him out of his misery and just go."

-

By the time it was Ten thirty everyone was up and sitting around the table, barring Brian. Michael sat opposite Justin trying his best not to give away his feelings and instead plastered a tight, slightly scary smile to his face.

"What are you doing?" Ben whispered. "What's wrong with your face?"

"I'm smiling." he replied. "I'm trying to look happy."

"You look like the Joker."

"Would you prefer that I showed by real feelings?"

"And here's sleeping beauty." Mel announced as Brian walked shakily through the door, one eye closed and his hair sticking up in every direction.

"Jesus, you look like shit." Debbie laughed.

"Thanks Mommy, I'll be sure to send that nugget of love to Hallmark." He kissed Gus' head lightly on his way past and past down next to Justin. "I need coffee. Don't bother pouring it, just pipe it into my veins."

"Heavy night?" Lindsay laughed, pouring him a cup.

"My head feels like a steamroller just rolled over it, then something dug it up and relaid it." Brian rubbed his eyes and rolled his neck until it clicked. "I'm not even sure I'm still alive."

"Well you look beautiful, darling." Lindsay said.

"Thank you dear." Brian gave her cheek a lazy kiss. "What time's you flight back?"

"Three. We were starting to think that you weren't going to be up top wave us off."

"I would have been up sooner if someone had woken me when he got up." He looked over pointedly at Justin.

"Well I would have, but you were flat out."

"How come you drank the same, smoked the same and slept the same and you roll out of bed looking like a fucking hair commercial and I look like a piece of shit?"

Justin smiled. "I have youth on my side."

"So, Sunshine. When do you go back to New York?" Deb asked.

"Tomorrow. I said I would go and see Molly," he said, "then I promised I would go and see my father."

Everyone stopped eating and watched Justin for a moment until Mel broke the silence.

"So how is the loathsome son of a bitch days?"

"Mel!" Linds warned, gesturing to Gus and J.R.

"I'm just calling it as I see it. After what he and his prop14 possy did. How can he be anything other than loathsome? Men like that don't deserve the right to walk this earth."

"Well, you won't have to worry about that for much longer." Justin said plainly, "he'll be dead in six months."

Emmett leaned over and put an arm around his shoulders. "Baby, I'm sorry."

"I'm only going to see him to make Molly happy and say my Goodbyes."

"Why don't you come over for dinner tonight?" Deb offered. "I'll make your favourite."

"Thanks Deb. Actually I was going to ask if there was any chance of a bed for the night."

"You can share with me," Emmett suggested, wrapping his arm around his shoulder, "Hell, it'll be the first bedroom action I've had in weeks."

Brian removed Emmett's arm from Justin's shoulder and replaced it with his own. "There will be no action."

"I can't believe I'm watching this," Michael said, "after what he did?"

"Michael!" Deb warned. "Eat your breakfast."

"Are we just going to sit here and pretend like nothing has changed, that he didn't behave like a complete ass hole?"

"Yeah, well you would know all about behaving like an one of those." Brian snapped. " Now, will you just do what your Mommy says and eat your fucking breakfast."

"Stop sticking up for him, you always stick up for him."

"Well, maybe if you stopped laying into him I wouldn't have to."

Justin stood up. "Thanks for breakfast, I'm going to take a shower and get ready then call a cab."

Brian watched him go, then glared at Michael across the table. After a moment he pushed his plate to the side and stood up. "Thanks for breakfast Deb."

"Is that you're going to eat?" She asked. "That's barely anything. No wonder you're skinny."

"Suddenly I don't feel very hungry."

Justin let the hot spray run over him as he closed his eyes and enjoyed the warmth; it was a relief to be away from that room, away from Michael and his obvious disdain. He ran the soap over his arms and stomach, then jumped as he felt an arm wrap around his chest and pull him back.

"Pass the soap?" Brian whispered.

"Fuck!" Justin took a moment to breathe. "Brian, you almost gave me a fucking heart attack."

"At your age?" Brian laughed. "Unlikely."

"I didn't know who it was."

"Well, who else would it be?" Brian smiled against his cheek. "Michael?"

"If it was I'd have a knife sticking out my back by now." Justin turned around. "What are you doing in here?"

"Showering," he said. "I need help scrubbing my back."

"There must have been another reason."

Brian wrapped his arms around Justin's neck and held him close, then lowered his head and delivered a heart-stopping kiss. He pulled him under the spray and devoured his lips slowly, tasting his mouth and savouring it. Brian pulled away slowly, not before letting it linger and pressed their heads together.

"Don't go."

"I have to go."

"Not right this second you don't. Why don't you let me drive you into town?"

"Emmett can drive me, or I can get a cab. You don't have to go all that way." Justin turned his back on Brian and started to rub his hair into a lather. "It's pointless."

"I have to anyway, I promised Gus we would go and play Laser Tag today." Brian took over washing Justin's hair.

"Laser Tag?" Justin laughed. "That's so weekend-dad, so hetro."

"There's hot guys and dark corners. It's like the back room of Babylon, only with guns and a light-show."

"Trust you to make that comparison."

Brian trapped them into silence for a moment and wrapped his arms around him, pulling him back. "You should come with us."

"I can't," Justin leaned his head back onto Brian's shoulder and looked up at him, "my father."

"Well, I'll drive you anyway."

"Michael isn't going to be happy." Justin stepped back into the spray of the shower and let the water run over his face. "I think he just wants me to go."

"Yeah, well it's not his life," Brian said, "It's ours."

"Does he know that?"

"He may be Prince Michael, but I'm still the King." Brian dropped his head down and kissed Justin's shoulder. "And this is still my fucked-up kingdom."

"This morning Michael said that If I loved you, then I would put you out your misery and just leave."

Brian sighed. "Well, he's got a point in there somewhere."

"What?" Justin turned to face him, then pushed him away a little to look at him. "I thought you wanted me to stay?"

"I do." He pulled him back. "But when I woke up this morning and you weren't there the first thing I thought wasn't logical, it wasn't that you had woken up and gone to get some breakfast, it was that you had left without saying goodbye."

"I wouldn't do that," Justin said, "I'll never do that again."

"And as much as I want you to stay, if you're going to leave and never come back, then just go. I won't even make it difficult."

"I'm not going to," Justin promised, "But I would like to know what you're asking me to stay for, because I'll take whatever I can get."

"I don't know the answer to that. I don't know what the fuck this is, I've never known what the fuck this is."

"It's love," Justin said, "It always was, it always will be. If it wasn't we wouldn't be standing here."

"There's only one problem with that."

"What?"

Brian sighed. "I don't trust you and I don't know if I ever will. So, if you came back hoping that we would be together and play happy families then you're wrong. You're going to have a fucking hard time convincing me that I can trust you like I used to."

"I don't expect you to just forgive me and for us to be together." Justin closed the gap between them and put his hands on Brian's shoulders. "I'll make you trust me."

"And until then?"

"We see each other when we can, no pressure, no plans." Justin ran his hands through Brian's wet hair. "We just try and see if we can work it out."

"And what if we cant?"

"Then I tried." Justin kissed him softly. "I love you. What I did was the worst thing I have ever done in my life. I regret it every single day and It's a mistake that I do not intend to ever repeat."

"You know that if you fuck up that there's no going back?"

"Then I'll have to make sure that I don't fuck up, because I don't want to lose you again."

"You didn't lose me," Brian said, "you gave me away."

"I'm sorry."

"The one guy who actually managed to make me want more than a fuck, fucked me over." Brian laughed bitterly. "Epically."

"Y'know, this would be so much easier if you would just be fucking angry with me!"

"I am angry with you!" Brian turned around and washed his hair. "Christ Justin, I'm angrier than I have ever been about anything and more hurt than I ever knew was possible."

"Then do something!"

"Like what?" Brian turned around again suddenly."What do you want me to do, what the fuck do you want from me?"

"Shout at me!" Justin demanded. "Or hit me or throw something."Justin got out the shower and shook the water off his hair then wrapped a towel around his waist. "Just do something, do anything other than this."

"I did do something." Brian switched off the shower and leaned against the wall, watching Justin through the glass as he leaned against the sink. "I've been doing something for over four years. I smashed up the loft, I threw things, I shouted and screamed and punched the fucking walls."

"And then you just stopped?"

Brian got out the shower and stood behind him,watching him through the mirror. "You do it for so long and then you wake up one day and realise that you can't do that forever or you'll go out of your fucking mind! Now its just a huge black hole, the anger is just part of me now and I don't know if it will ever go away, so I just have to live with it and hope that one day it will go."

Justin said nothing for a moment and closed his eyes, then took a slow breath. "Do you hate me?"

"I wanted to. I tried to." Brian wrapped his arms around him. "But the hate thing between you and me, it never really got off the ground."

"I wont fuck up." Justin turned back and hung his arms around Brian's neck. "I p-"

Brian kissed the words way from his lips. "Nobody ever made a promise that they didn't break. We're not doing that."

"Then what are we doing?"

"Making sure that Michael is wrong this time. I fucking hate it when he's right."

Michael hitched J.R's backpack over his shoulder and walked through the hallway, then stopped when he saw Justin helping himself to a cup of coffee in the kitchen. He slipped it back onto the floor and walked into the kitchen.

"I thought you were leaving?"

"I am," Justin said, "Brian insisted on taking me into town. We're having lunch with Gus."

"So, you're not going to listen to me?"

Justin shook his head. "No. It's because I love him that I'm going to pretend that we never had that conversation and I'm going to put your behaviour down to your love for him too."

"I don't want to see him hurt."

"Me either."

"Well, if you're not going to take my advice just make sure that you do come back."

"I took your advice once before," he said, "and it turned out to be the worst mistake of my life."

"Nobody told you to listen to me."

"But I did." Justin drained his coffee. "Have a good week with J.R."


End file.
